=============
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'

=============
Six said to zero
I'm bigger than you zero puts on a belt, now you're not six turns upside down, oh I am zero lays down , catch me if you can

=============
A man runs home from work
The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them. The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young! Then the man then turns to her and says: look! My new watch glows in the dark!

=============
Job interview
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap in your resume? Candidate: I was in Yale. Interviewer: Congratulations! You are hired. Candidate: Thank you. I really need this Yob.

=============
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff
As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily: -How much do you make a Week? -Three hundred bucks, replied the young man. Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out three hundred dollars, shoved it into the young mans hands, and said: -Here is a weeks pay, now get out and dont come back! Turning to one of the supervisors, the owner asked: -Just how long had that lazy kid been working here? -He doesnt work here, said the supervisor. He was just here delivering our pizzas.

=============
An old man was sitting on his front porch, when he saw two boys walking past his house. The two boys were talking very loudly.
Yesterday I bought a car and drove all the way to the moon! said one of the boys. That's nothing! said the other boy. This morning, I went all the way to Pluto! By walking! What are you two whippersnappers doing? asked the old man. We found a $20 bill on the sidewalk, one of the boys explained. We decided that whoever can tell the biggest lie gets to keep the money. You should be ashamed of yourselves, said the old man. When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was! The two boys looked at each other, and then gave the $20 bill to the old man.

=============
What happened when Tinker Bell couldn't find a bathroom? Original
She Peter Pans

=============
The number 8 goes to see a psychiatrist .
The psychiatrist says, Would you like to lay down on the couch? and the number 8 replies, No thank you, I don't want to be here forever.

=============
a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name hijkm she says im sorry, im not sure how to pronounce this name, then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:
thats me, and its pronounced noelle

=============
Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.
What brings you to the desert? asked Jesus. I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago. How did you lose him? What happened? I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back to life! Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this really be his father? One last question: Are you by any chance a carpenter? I am! Jesus rushed forward and embraced the old man. Father, it is I! I've missed you! The old man smiled. I've missed you too, Pinnochio!

=============
A blond Joke I've only heard once before.
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says. You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says. 'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, Because I'm the Goalie!

=============
A rabbit, an imam, and a priest walk into a blood test centre.
The rabbit says, I think I might be a Type-O.

=============
I was voted Least likely to succeed by my High School class.
I hate my teaching job.

=============
Whats the difference between a guitar a tuna and glue
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish and your probably wondering what about the glue. I knew you would get stuck on that

=============
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune.
.selling fridges?

=============
My wife asked me if Id seen the cat bowl.
I said I didnt know he could.

=============
A blonde joke I've only heard maybe 3 times.
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says. You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says. 'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, Because I'm the Goalie!

=============
ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

=============
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting 'Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest'.
The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy

=============
A proctologist is in the middle of an examination when he turns around and sees his assistant holding a bottle of beer.
He goes: No nurse, I said BUTT-Light

=============
Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

=============
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.
The blond asks, Whats that? The blond cop replies, Its the thing in your purse with your picture on it. The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, Im sorry mam. If I knew you were an officer, I wouldnt have pulled you over.

=============
What are a trans parents pronouns
Whowhere

=============
3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride
The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them) On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with the ticket and that fooled the conductor On the way back, the physicists divided to use the math method and bought only one ticket. The mathematicians said they have another method and didnt buy any tickets On the train the physicists lock up in one toilet and the mathematicians in another. Then one mathematician comes out and knocks on the physicists toilet. The physicists think that thats the conductor and pull the ticket out. The mathematician takes the ticket and goes back into the toilet with the other mathematicians Moral: dont use a mathematical method if you dont know how it works

=============
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC; Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, What's going on? Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations. How much is everyone giving, on an average? the driver asks. The man replies, Roughly a gallon.

=============
Timbuktu (NSFW)
Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said sorry, there's only room for one of you. The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer. I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the best poem using that word gets in. St. Peter then said the word is Timbuktu. They both agreed and spent several minutes thinking. Tim went first: In this beautiful land so far away, Giants trees that gently sway. Snow capped mountains, river's so blue, This beautiful land called Timbuktu. St. Peter was taken aback. That is really beautiful. Thank you for that. Dave went next: Me and a buddy a-camping we went, In the woods the night we spent. Along came three girls and with us being two, I bucked one and Timbuktu. Dave got in.

=============
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with 'I'.
Student: I is the.. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after I. Always put 'am' after I. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

=============
As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish Guy who has forgotten his identity. But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

=============
I was at a job interview today.
When the manager handed me a laptop and said, I want you to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said, bring my laptop back now. I said, 200 and it's yours.

=============
A joke my mom told me when i was younger
An irish man decides to go for a drink after work. He goes to a local pub and has way too many and when the end of the night comes hes completely plastered. He goes to stand up and immediately falls right on his face. He crawls all the way home and crawls into bed and falls asleep. In the morning his wife yells wake up! Were you drinking at the pub again? The man says no! She says your lying, i know you were there! He says how do you know that? She says you left your wheelchair there again!

=============
Guinness
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh.I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

=============
''You think I'll just change my lifestyle just because of something you heard on your horoscope''
Doc:'stethoscope'

=============
Whosoever invented 'dentures' missed out on calling them .
Substitooths.

=============
When Sean Connery first learned to talk..
he would pronounce his name like Sawn. His mother explained, no dear, the S makes a SH sound. And the resht is hishtory.

=============
Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road
Driver: Sorry, Im English Cop: (shouting) Oii.. Its the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

=============
The Fremen just concluded a longterm study on the best ways to walk without rhythm.
The results were staggering!

=============
And God said to John: 'Come forth and receive eternal life'.
But he came fifth and won a toaster.

=============
A man goes to the doctor for a prostate examination
The doctor says please drop your trousers and bend over. The man does this and the doctor says for this examination I'll be inserting two fingers into your bottom so please don't get an erection, Peter. The man turns around and says my name isn't Peter. The doctor replies I know, but mine is.

=============
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

=============
My husband has been missing for six days now
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back

=============
Liz Cheney will agree to dismantle the January 6 Commission under one condition
That is if Donald Trump can go on a hunting trip with her Dad.

=============
Just bought a boomerang from a ghost.
Now I'm worried that this going to come back to haunt me.

=============
a farmer walked into a magical forest to cut down a tree.
As he pulled back his axe to take a big swing, it cried out Wait, I'm a talking tree! The farmer just grinned and said yes, and you will dialogue.

=============
I like my women how I like my fries
With the skin on.

=============
What's the difference.
between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones? The Rolling Stones sing Hey, you, get off of my cloud. A Scotsman sings Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe.

=============
What do you call an LGBTQ+ plane.
A biplane. (This is not meant to be offensive)

=============
My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number
Told him I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy

=============
Ever since Bader Ginsburg died
The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.

=============
My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist
She does everyone

=============
I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.
After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles. After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong type of compass.

=============
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where theres a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says.
See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down. The husband replies, It looks like hes still celebrating.

=============
Four Surgeons
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order. The second surgeon says, I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order. The third surgeon says, I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon says, I like operating on politicians. The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable.

=============
I went on a date with an Italian.
We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.

=============
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary

=============
My wife found out she's adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking, Why didn't they want me? I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her. which led to more tears. Upon reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, WHO'S YOUR DADDY? was a little insensitive.

=============
The whole family are having breakfast together when
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, Will you pass the honey, honey? She giggles and passes the honey. His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, Will you pass the sugar, sugar? She laughs, Your still a charmer, and passes the sugar. The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, Will you pass the tea. bag?

=============
Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!
Husband- Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms! Wife- Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical? Husband- They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze. Wife- Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight? Husband- Gold ofc! Wife- Why don't you wear silver, It would be nice If you came second for a change.

=============
The inventor of autocorrect died
The funnel will be held tomato.

=============
my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa
kenya believe it? and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

=============
I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, What would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.

=============
As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought this new TV and it says Built-in Antenna. I dont even know where that is.

=============
Norm McDonald Joke: A man walks up and orders food.
Man walks up to the employee and says Yeah, I would like uhhh.the Polish sausage. The employee kinda chuckles and says Polish sausage, you must be Polish? The man now angry yells HEY, JUST CAUSE I ORDERED A POLISH SAUSAGE DON'T MAKE ME POLISH! IF I ORDERED FRENCH FRIES DOES THST MAKE ME FRENCH, IF I ORDER SWEDISH MEATBALLS DOES THAT MAKE ME SWEDISH, IF I ORDERED A CUBAN SANDWICH DOES THAT MAKE ME CUBAN? GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO THINK I'M POLISH CAUSE I ORDERED A POLISH SAUSAGE, CAUSE I'M NOT POLISH! The employee: Sir, this is a hardware store.

=============
I don't know what HD is,
But my doctor just told me I got 80 of them

=============
Little Johnny came late to school one day.
Why are you late, Johnny? Asked his teacher. Well, explained Johnny. Just round the corner, there was a poor old lady looking everywhere for a 20 she lost. She was looking for half an hour! I couldn't walk away. I see. That's really nice of you to help her. Johnny replied Help her? No, I was standing on it.

=============
Husband: 'Scientits have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000.'
Wife (shouts from the kitchen): It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads! Husband: What?

=============
what do dentists call their X rays
Tooth pics

=============
When I die, I want my remains spread at Disneyland.
Also, I don't want to be cremated.

=============
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked
How is everything going? The cat is dead, he replied coldly. She cried out and said, You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! No reply. The wife sighed sadly, Anyways, hows my mom? Shes playing on the roof.

=============
My deaf girlfriend told me, 'We need to talk.'
That's definitely not a good sign.

=============
I once dated a girl just for her internet connection
She was wifi material.

=============
If you are what you eat,
Then I'm an innocent man

=============
flat earth
Idebated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.

=============
A reddit moderator walks into a bar
removed

=============
Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow. She says - I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph Officer - That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet. He asks the driver whats wrong. Her - Oh, we just came off I-215

=============
I met a girl at a club the other night who said shed show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside.
She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

=============
My doctor told me I'm overweight,
I said, I want a second opinion. He said, OK, you're ugly too!

=============
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN.
they become VERY ANGRY!

=============
What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)
Pockets

=============
Because the punchline gets spoiled early.
Why is this time travel joke not funny?

=============
My favorite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandmother
Until my mom took the urn away

=============
I just came into a lot of money
Normally I use tissues

=============
My ex and I only stay together because of shared insurance.
We're friends with benefits.

=============
A young Irish girl goes to confession.
.and says, Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, Go ahead, my child. Well, she says, Last night I made love to me boyfriend. FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin. But, I know that makin love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and Ive come seekin absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. OMalleys market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away. The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, Will that absolve me of me sin, Father? NO, but itll wipe the smile off yer face!

=============
Three times a week
A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor turns to the husband and says That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that? The husband says, I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I play golf.

=============
My wife took her shirt and bra off during an argument, which I was winning.
It was a booby trap.

=============
A child psychologist had twin boys
one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimists room with toys and games. In the optimists room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. Whats wrong? the father asked. I have a ton of game manuals to read I need batteries and my toys will all eventually get broken! sobbed the pessimist. Passing the optimists room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of manure. Why are you so happy? he asked. The optimist shouted, Theres got to be a pony in here somewhere!

=============
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:
The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbedand with her blessinghe opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue, she explained. Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll. Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the boxthat meant shed been angry with him only once in 60 years. But what about all this money? he asked. Oh, she said, thats the money I made from selling the dolls.

=============
My Boss calls me the computer
Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

=============
A lad knocked on the door of a beautiful large house.
He asked if there were any jobs that needed doing. The man said he would give him 50 to paint the porch. The lad agreed and took the paintbrush and tin of white gloss paint away. The mans wife said 50 thats far too little. Did he not see the porch goes half way round the house? It will take two days to paint it! The man replied Ah but he agreed to do it! He could have checked the job properly and asked for more! An hour later the lad knocked on the door. He said Ive done it, and there was enough paint to give it a second coat! But you were tricking me. It wasnt a Porch, it was a Ferrari.

=============
My Wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

=============
Original dad joke
I made this up a couple years ago and my kids think its the worst so it might work: A fruit fly comes home and sees that his house has turned from green to yellow. He turns to his wife and says, This is bananas!

=============
Im considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.
The jobs has its prose and Khans. Happy cake day to me!

=============
All people are binary
Some are just not aligned with their bits

=============
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order
And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

=============
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel
You should see the faces my dates make when I tell them I'm a bus driver

=============
Once in a flight there were one Indian and two pakistani people sitting at the last row. Half an hour after the take-off, the Indian guy felt thirsty so he stood up, took off his shoes and went to bring a coke for himself and came back to his seat..
15 minutes later, one of the Pakistani guy felt thirsty. He told that Indian guy to bring a coke for him from the cabin. The Indian guy again went ahead while his shoes were still in the last row below his seat. While he was returning, the Pakistani guy spits in his shoe. After half an hour another Pakistani guy told him to bring a coke for him as well. The Indian went to cabin and just like before the another Pakistani guy spits in his 2nd shoe. After an hour when the flight finally landed, when the Indian guy was about to put on his shoes, he saw someone spit on them. Then he observed those two guys smiling while looking at him. Suddenly he went really sad and with a serious and emotional voice he said For how long? For how long will we keep fighting like this? For how long will we Indians be silent? For how long we have to ignore all these things? How long will you keep spitting on our shoes and we'll keep peeing on your cold drinks?

=============
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasnt awarded the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

=============
If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..
..my door is always open.

=============
My 12 year old just told me a joke
He said Ive been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, Im only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.

=============
I got confused with the words jacuzzi and yakuza.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

=============
My wife asked me if she looked fat in her new dress.
I told her: You look like a beautiful shining star She replied: Awhh. But then I added: A neutron star and she slapped me. I was hoping she was too dense to understand the joke.

=============
Wife comes home from work.
Wife: I left my job today, Husband: Why? Wife: I could not work for that man after what he said to me. Husband: So what did he say.? Wife: You are fired.

=============
Apparently, it is illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii
All you can do is a low HA

=============
I do!
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, Please give me one last request, dear? he said. Of course, John. Anything! his wife said softly. Six months after I die, John said, I want you to marry Bob. But I thought you hated Bob? she said. With his last breath John said, I do!

=============
'Doc, my butt hurts'
Where specifically does it hurt? Right around the entrance Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt

=============
A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..
From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell. One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers! The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell: One Ukrainian soldier can take out 100 Russian soldiers! The Russian colonel is getting annoyed now, so he sends 100 of his best fighters over the rubble pile. After a much larger battle, silence ensues.. One Ukrainian soldier can take out 1000 Russian soldiers! The colonel is furious, and sends 1000 of his best soldiers. After a very long battle, a wounded Russian limps back over the rubble towards his battalion: COLONEL, ITS A TRAP! THERE'S TWO UKRAINIANS!!

=============
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, 'We're looking for someone who is responsible'
Well I'm your man I replied, In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible

=============
A friend told me that onions were the only food that can make people cry.
So I cooked his cat.

=============
A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha. When he reaches the ground, he lands safely. ​ The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah. Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly. ​ The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL. BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!

=============
I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.
He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

=============
My husband has been missing for six days now
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back

=============
A German visits France and is stopped at immigration.
The French immigration agent asks, Business or pleasure? The German replies, Pleasure! The agent asks, Occupation? The German replies, Nein, Nein, just visiting!

=============
12 atoms of sodium walk into a bar.
Followed by Batman.

=============
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, 'I want her home before midnight.' The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied..
But you already own her home!

=============
I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said
Outlook not good!

=============
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope. The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes. The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters. The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. Hey there, says the recruit. is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes! The crewman says Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.

=============
A man asked a lawyer what his cheapest service was
For $100 I answer three questions, the lawyer replied. Don't you think that's a bit ridiculous? the man asked. Yes. What's your last question

=============
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I retuned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.

=============
My wife asked me if Id seen the cat bowl.
I said I didnt know he could.

=============
Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow
and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.

=============
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

=============
I finally figured out whats wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.

=============
I only believe 12.5% of the Bible
I guess that makes me an eighth-theist

=============
Man sends to his sister who lives abroad
Your favorite cat died She replied: WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news -and how on earth would I do that? -first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wouldn't be surprised when you tell me that it caught a cold, the next day you tell me that you took it to the vet and he gave it a bunch of antibiotics, the next day you tell me that the cat was allergic to the medicine, next you tell me its health condition is critical, and then you deliver the bad news -oh! I see Few days later, he sent to his sister: grandma went playing outside

=============
My first day at x-men HQ
Professor X: What's your super power Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes, i see that now

=============
Two blondes chatting.
Blonde 1: I have just bought three goldfish. Blonde 2: Have you got names for them.? Blonde 1: Yes, I have called this one. One This one Two and this one Three Blonde 2: Why have you called them that? Blonde 1: Well if one and two dies, I will still have three.

=============
A pirate walked into a bar.
He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. How did you get that wooden leg? he asked. The pirate took a swig of ale. 'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg. The bartender said What about your hook? The pirate took another long swig. Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off. The bartender was growing sceptical. And how did you get that eyepatch? The pirate took another swig. Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye. The bartender said That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck. The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. Twas the first day with the hook.

=============
Gender is like the twin towers.
There used to be two of them, and now it is a sensitive subject.

=============
When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.
Turns out those were just stereotypes.

=============
Dont lie to the cops
Man gets pulled over by the police. Sir have you been drinking? Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine. I'm going to ask you to take this breathalizer test. What! You don't believe me?

=============
I like my women how I like my coffee
I'm not fussy, I'll have whatever's available. Thanks.

=============
life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last as long for fat people

=============
The headmaster of a school arranges a meeting with a student's parents
I'm sorry to inform you but your son has been blowing smoke in the locker-rooms everyday for around a week The headmaster says What? I can assure you i have no idea where he learns such things! Could You call him here please? The woman asks, angrily A few minutes later a boy arrives Huh.? This isn't my son The woman says in confusion Your son? I'm smoke The boy replies

=============
Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road
Driver: Sorry, Im English Cop: (shouting) Oii.. Its the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

=============
I asked my wife if I was the only one shes ever slept with. She said yes
That the rest were 8-9s.

=============
Batman: buys catwoman a drink
Catwoman: slowly knocks it off of the table

=============
What happened when Cinderella reached the ball
She gagged (Wasnt my joke, just heard online)

=============
Three months ago I ordered a book How to scam people online
It still hasnt arrived

=============
Two monks are on a train
Two monks are on a train, wearing their monkly robes, and the guy sitting across from them asks, Hey, are you guys monks? Why yes, one of them replies. I'm a Jesuit, and my friend here is a Dominican. Great! says the guy, I've always wondered, what is the difference between the two of you? I mean, you're both monks, right? Well, we were founded by Ignatius of Loyola, and they were founded by St. Dominic. Sure, but that's just a superficial difference, right? Okay, well, they were founded to fight the albigensian heresy, and we were founded to fight the protestant heresy I don't know. says the guy, that still sounds pretty similar At this point the other monk chimes in. Know any Albigensians?

=============
Throwing acid is wrong.
In some people's eyes.

=============
An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. This is amazing. How do you do it at your age? He answered, You've got to keep that old motor running. The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, You really are amazing. What's the secret? He again said, You've got to keep the old motor running. The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, You must be quite a man. He responded, You've got to keep that old motor running. The nurse then said, Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!

=============
The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.
A man who lays with another man should be stoned. Leviticus 20:13 ESV

=============
A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but
Doctors have described his condition as stable

=============
Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother
Sudden Lee Edit: my first ever popular post came sudden lee. Thanks you all! And thanks for the silver and awards

=============
A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller.
Can I please withdraw $10 from my account? while handing over her debit card. The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10. The old lady then says Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account. The teller, now a little bit incredulous, takes the old lady's debit card, checks her account, and sees that she has over $500k on deposit. She apologizes, informs the manager, and begins counting the money. After a few minutes, the teller hands over the $10k in $100 bills to the old lady and asks Is there anything else I can help you with? The old lady replies Yes, I want to deposit $9,990. while handing the $10k back to the teller.

=============
I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop.
.when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds. Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

=============
A 60 year old billionaire is getting married to a hot 25 year old woman
At the bachelor party, the first thing the billionaire's friends ask him is how he landed such a hot young woman. Easy, he said. I lied about my age. Ah, you told her you're 40 or 45? one friend asked. No, he replied. I told her I'm 85.

=============
I caught my friend harassing some electricity.
I told him it was an abuse of power.

=============
Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving
A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, The brakes must have gone out. The programmer says, Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable.

=============
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood.
The priest says- Im a type A The minister says- Im a type B The rabbit says- I think Im a Edit: *Donate blood

=============
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, What is this Father? The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son. Go get your Mother.

=============
I have a friend from Vietnam I talk to every Friday night
I got to know him really well, he was fascinated with America and had really good English (and a good sense of humor) he told me I dont know what that American Dream is, but I know the European Dream is no America.

=============
Son, we need to talk
Yes, dad? Your mother said she saw you watching inappropriate videos online. Those videos are trash, they're garbage and if you keep watching them, you'll go blind! Dad? Yes, son? I'm over here.

=============
A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:
Doctor, where is the heart? To which the doctor replies: it is at the height of your left nipple The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call. A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots herself in the knee

=============
I hope death is a woman
That way it will never come for me.

=============
When I was a kid, my parents would always say 'Excuse my French' after a swear word.
.I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

=============
Ive met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory
I dont remember what did i choose though

=============
I decided to kill of a few characters in the book I'm writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

=============
The great thing about inflation,
is if you spend the same on groceries, the bags are lighter and easier to carry home.

=============
A young Irish girl goes to confession.
.and says, Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, Go ahead, my child. Well, she says, Last night I made love to me boyfriend. FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin. But, I know that makin love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and Ive come seekin absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. OMalleys market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away. The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, Will that absolve me of me sin, Father? NO, but itll wipe the smile off yer face!

=============
Is it ok to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school.
..or, am I a really bad teacher ?

=============
The thing I learned from Beauty and the Beast:
Any girl can fall in love with you given you lock her in the basement long enough.

=============
As a Family we couldnt decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated
so we let her live.

=============
There's this frog and he
. goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation. Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, Sure. I have this, and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. I mean, what in the world is this? The bank manager looks back at her and says. It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.

=============
Deathbed wish.
A man is on his deathbed. Grant me one last wish he gasps pitifully to his wife. Six months after I die I want you to marry Joe. But I thought you hated Joe, says his wife. I do, says the man.

=============
I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment
So I send them to school wearing crocs and skechers and let other kids beat them instead

=============
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller
he's told not to worry. You are going to meet a beautiful young girl, she says, and she will want to know everything about you. That's great! says the excited frog. When will I meet her? Next semester, says the psychic, in biology class.

=============
A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.
Rose asks her mother, Mom, why did you name me Rose? To which her mother replies, Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head! Lily, curious now, asks her mother Mom, why did you name me after a flower too? To which her mother replies, Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head! Cinderblock says to her mother, hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!

=============
Guy told me to 'get a life' today.
So I took his.

=============
Rock, paper and scissors have entered a race.
Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.

=============
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts

=============
My girlfriend said shes leaving me because I cant stop singing Im A Believer
I thought she was joking at first. And then I saw her face

=============
Berts new boots
Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home: Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife. Notice anything different about me? Margaret, 75, looked him over. Nope. Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time. Notice anything different NOW? Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan. Bert, whats different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, itll be hanging down again tomorrow. Furious, Bert yelled. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? Nope. Not a clue. She replied. ITS HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!! Without missing a beat, Margaret replied. Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! You shoulda bought a hat.

=============
Doctor told me it was perfectly normal to get an erection during the prostate exam
But doctor, I don't have an erection I do, but it's perfectly normal

=============
Putin dies and goes to hell
After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior. So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender: -Is Crimea ours? -Yes, it is. -And the Donbas? -Also ours. -And Kyiv? -We got that too. Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks: -Thanks, how much do I owe you? -5 euros

=============
A minister loses his wallet
He asks a friend where to look for the thief. The friend says Why dont you go through the 10 commandments in church on Sunday and see who looks guilty when you say Do not steal? The minister thinks this is a great idea. On the Monday after, he sees his friend who asks him Did you try what I said? How did it go? The minister says I was going to say Do not steal but I got to Do not commit adultery and I remembered where I left it.

=============
'Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!'
Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he? I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!

=============
Chuck Norris has farted only once in his life.
It was during a vacation to the Sahara forest.

=============
Husband wanted..
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's). MUST NOT BEAT ME. MUST NOT RUN AROUND ME. AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, you're not really asking me to consider you?. just look at you, you have no legs! The old man smiled, therefore I cannot run around on you! She snorted. You don't have any hands either. Again the old man smiled, Nor can I beat you! She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, are you still good in bed? With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile, and said, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

=============
I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream.
I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.

=============
If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

=============
My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh
When I hold my ear up to it I can smell the ocean!

=============
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81
He said no!

=============
So. two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.
The first guy says That looks like a deep hole. The second guy says That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out. He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang bang .. They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it in. The rock goes THUD Thud thud thud.. Wow says the first guy. The first guy and the second guy pick up an old railroad tie that is lying there and throw it in. The railroad tie goes SLAM Slam slam slam. then a goat comes running past and jumps into the hole. As the two guys stand there staring at each other a third man walks up and says I'm looking for my goat. Can you help me? The first guy says Well, about a minute ago a goat jumped down that hole. The third guy says That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was tethered to a railroad tie.

=============
Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. Thats why I became a cop.

=============
I have a friend who grew up in the USSR.
He says they only had 2 channels on the tv. Channel 1 was just soviet propaganda, talking about how amazing stalin was, and channel 2 was a KGB agent telling you to switch the fuck back to channel 1 or else.

=============
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
oof.

=============
Last night my son came out as transgender, ftm.
He asked if I was mad and I said absolutely not but I am a little worried. He looked confused and asked why. I said, well, Im worried everyone will see right through me bc I am now transparent

=============
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours.
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him Thats it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin. They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily. Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him Well, did you do it? The worker says, No, the line there was much longer than the line here.

=============
A guy threatens to jump off the balcony of a penthouse bar
As the crowd gathers around, a regular sitting at the bar turns to the guy next to him and says Fifty bucks he doesnt do it. Lo and behold the man falls to his death, and the regular pays up. The following day, the bar TV broadcasts the man who committed suicide on the news. The regular turns to another guy next to him, and says Fifty bucks he doesnt do it. Naturally the TV displays the man fall to his death. The bartender stares at the regular, and goes Listen man, you made the same exact bet yesterday and lost, what gives? Well I didnt think hed do it again!

=============
I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything
But eventually I came to my senses

=============
A hamburger and a French fry walk into a bar
The bartender says, I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here

=============
Im so sick of Millennials and their attitudes.
Always walking around like they rent the place

=============
A kid is selling lemonade
The boys sign reads 1 cup for 25, 3 cups for $1 A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. 25 cents, says the kid. The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each. As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75 Maybe lemonade stands arent your thing. The kid smiles and says, People are funny. Every time they buy three cups instead of one the one they planned on, they try to teach me how to run my business.

=============
A dog and a cat are having an argument on who is the favorite of humans. The dog says, 'Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.'
The cat smiles and says, You are really not going to win this one you know.

=============
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws. The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork? Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich. The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? The priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith. The rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The priest replied, Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith. The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes. Finally the rabbi quietly observed, Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesnt it?

=============
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, No, Im traveling light.

=============
Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years.
.and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

=============
A man goes for a walk in the park.
On his walk, he sees two men sat on a park bench and looking very down. What's wrong? He asked them. One of the men look up at the man and let's out a long sigh: Take a seat and I'll tell you. Curious, he sat down next to the two men. The paints wet. He said.

=============
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, 'Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?'
The man below says: Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. You must be an engineer, says the balloonist I am, replies the man. How did you know? Well, says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone. The man below says, You must be in management. I am, replies the balloonist, but how did you know? Well, says the man, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault

=============
I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated. I used it anyways.
You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.

=============
I got caught peeing in a pool today.
The lifeguard yelled so loud, I almost fell in!

=============
If you watch a Jackie Chan movie backwards.
You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

=============
A blonde accidentally drops 20$ down the toilet
She asks her boyfriend to grab it for her and he says: Y'know, honey, 20$ isn't really worth putting my hand on the toilet. Would 70$ be worth it? 70$? Yeah, I suppose. The blonde drops 50$ down the toilet.

=============
I only believe 12.5% of the Bible
I guess that makes me an eighth-theist

=============
Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!
LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

=============
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

=============
For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched:
I want you to know that you are not alone.

=============
I gave my wife an orgasm today!
She spit it out

=============
A man is praying to god
Man:god I have a few questions,how do your perceive time? God:you see 10 million years to me is nearly a minute Man:and what about money God:10 million euros to me is just a cent Man:okay can I have a cent? God:yeah just a minute

=============
'Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. I'm vegan.'
Sweetie, we know. It's the fourth time you've told us today.

=============
A week ago I sent my hearing aid to be repaired.
I haven't heard anything since.

=============
I'm surprised Peter Parker chose photography as a side-hustle.
He seemed like a natural fit for web-development.

=============
My grief counselor just died
must have been doing a great job cause i didnt care at all

=============
Pearl Jam have had to cancel some gigs in Europe after Eddie Vedder experienced some issues with his throat.
The band tried to source a temporary replacement vocalist, but they cant find a better man.

=============
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.
I still do but I used to too.

=============
Some people ask the secret of my long marriage.
My wife and I take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

=============
I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..
Standing in front of him is too dangerous.

=============
A German Shepherd and a Sheep are out on a date.
German Shepherd: What do you mean I'm too controlling?! Sheep: You herd me.

=============
A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed
He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes. Is my darling wife here with me? Yes, love. And is my son here, in the bedroom with me? Yes Father, Im here. And is my daughter here, in the bedroom with me? Yes Daddy. Oh please dont leave us! And are my grandchildren in here with me? Yes, grandad! Then why is the feckin light still on in the front room?

=============
TIL that my Grandfather actually warned people that the Titanic was going to sink
Despite his constant attempts, unfortunately nobody listened, and he ended up getting kicked out of the movie theatre

=============
A man runs home from work
The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them. The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young! Then the man then turns to her and says: look! My new watch glows in the dark!

=============
In 1978, the Jonestown massacre happened where 909 ppl lost their lives. You never hear too many jokes about it
because the punchline is too long.

=============
A man with two left feet goes into a shoe store.
.and asks the shop assistant: Do you sell flip-flips?

=============
A man is driving a car in somewhere he doesn't know.
He sees a sign that says Slow: 70 Km. Seeing the sign, the man lowers the speed to 70 kilometres. Then he sees a sign that says Slow: 25 Km. Seeing the sign, he lowers his speed to 25 kilometres. Then he sees a sign that says Slow: 1 Km. The man is furious, but he lowers his speed to 1 kilometre. After an hour he sees a sign. The sign says: Welcome to Slow

=============
A man is caught with the car full of penguins
the policeman says: you have to take these animals to the zoo, or else I'll fine you!, the man agrees and leaves. The next day the same policeman again picks up the man with a car full of penguins. The cop says: didn't I tell you to take the penguins to the zoo?. The man replies: I took them, now I'm going to take them to a football game.

=============
A good Internet Explorer joke. Long
Loading.

=============
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, 'Looks like you are having a bad day.'
The guy says, Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend. The bartender says, What did you say to your wife? The guy says, I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again. The bartender says, What did you say to your best friend? The guy says, bad dog!

=============
The quickest way for a dad to get a childs attention
is to sit down and look comfortable.

=============
My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)
After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

=============
Someone asked me, since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?
I replied, no, thats a kleptomaniac.

=============
My ex's cooking was cold and bland.
Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.

=============
'An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy . do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

=============
My wife caught me cross dressing.
So I packed up her clothes and left.

=============
There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.
Small children and 39 year old's.

=============
I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.
I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit. I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I probably shouldn't have been surprised that looking up something related to Ancient Egypt led me to a pyramid scheme.

=============
I was arrested for drinking battery acid.
But I wasnt charged.

=============
'Hey man, I've never been in a two man rowboat before. Do I take this paddle or that one?'
Either oar.

=============
A merchant told another 'I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device.'
BaNaNa for scale?

=============
Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!
Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.

=============
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood.

=============
I got my girlfriend an optical illusion for her birthday
Her: Whoa what's this? Me: It's not what it looks like!

=============
A priest passes away and goes to heaven
He arrives at St Peters gate and joins the back of the queue. Shorty after, Bob the bus driver passes away. St Peter sees Bob and waves at him - Bob! Come on over! Please go through youre very welcome and please enjoy heaven you deserve it! The priest is flabbergasted and confused. He rushes towards St Peter. Your holyness! I dont understand. I have dedicated my entire life to God. How comes Bob gets to jump the queue before everybody else? Well, you see When you had your church service, all those who attanded were falling asleep, but when Bob was driving his bus all the passengers were praying

=============
The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary..
...which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.

=============
Taxi driver: 'What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions.'
Me: Take the next left.

=============
Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!
LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

=============
I gave my wife an orgasm today!
She spit it out

=============
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.
I still do but I used to too.

=============
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been? demanded his wife when he entered the house. Darling, replied the man, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock. The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, You liar! You've been playing golf!

=============
I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.
I think he must be plotting something.

=============
One of my buddies made a trans girl cry yesterday. So I angrily asked, 'How could you.'
. propose to her without telling me first?

=============
A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.
The Bishop asks him, How are you managing with the loneliness? The Priest responds, If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey? The Bishop nods his head yes. The Priest yells out, Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky

=============
I have a photographic memory.
I need to take a photograph to remember anything.

=============
My wife and I have an open relationship
Found out last night

=============
I went for an audition at a talent agency today.
They asked so what's your special talent? I said I do bird impressions! They said sorry, thats not original we have had loads of them! I said fair enough!!. and flew out the window

=============
A cheese factory exploded in France
It Blue Cheese everywhere

=============
A ship was sinking.
The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: Does anyone here know how to say prayers. A priest steps forward: I can he says with some pride in his voice. Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too he continues boastfully. Great answers the captain, We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets.

=============
Theres a new movie out about Marie Curie.
It received glowing reviews.

=============
A family went to a nudist beach for their vacation.
A family went to a nudist beach for their vacation.

=============
My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number
My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

=============
Ever since Bader Ginsburg died
Ever since Bader Ginsburg died

=============
My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist
My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

=============
I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.
I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

=============
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where theres a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says.
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where theres a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says.

=============
Four Surgeons
Four Surgeons

=============
I went on a date with an Italian.
I went on a date with an Italian.

=============
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

=============
My wife found out she's adopted.
My wife found out she's adopted.

=============
The whole family are having breakfast together when
The whole family are having breakfast together when

=============
Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot
Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. Its called Elf Cum. Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, Gee, thats really good, but why do you call it Elf Cum? Bartender replies, When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, That tastes just like Elf cum!

=============
Joke Of The Month
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realising he sent the email to a widow who had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her inbox, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read: To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send emails to loved ones. I've just checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice but a bit too warm and Im very lonely here. I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you.

=============
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole.
.A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole. 26 feet 6 inches She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off. One engineer looks at the other and says, Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!

=============
My car mechanic called me and said, You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.
I said, I dont think Ill be strong enough by then.

=============
I asked my wife if I could play doctor
I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time

=============
A guy walks up to a soda machine, but a blonde is already there.
He waits as she puts in her quarters, presses the button and collects the drink. Instead of leaving, she puts more money, hits the button, and collects another drink. This goes on for a couple of minutes, and finally the guy taps her on the shoulder and says excuse me, what are you doing? DUH!! Winning!!

=============
They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris
Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.

=============
A sports store is showing off their new punching bags by having a contest to see who can hit them the hardest.
While everyone is waiting for their turn, St. Peter turns to a drunk and says, I think I'm in the wrong joke. The drunk replies, Nope. Just the wrong punch line.

=============
After hearing me sing, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

=============
People with bad teeth are the real winners
They even have the plaque to prove it

=============
True Story
Yesterday would have been my stepfather Tom's 75th birthday. To commemorate the occasion, I give you this story. Back in 2006, I was prepping to relocate from Nebraska back to Southern California, and this meant lots of phone calls between me and my mother. One Friday evening, I called her up, and I could hear some background noise. I asked where she was. Mom: Oh, Tom and I are at El Pollo Loco. We're getting some fish tacos for dinner. (It was Lent - Ed.) Me: Y'know, I've always wanted to know what kind of fish they use to make fish tacos. Mom: I'm not sure. Here comes Tom. I'll ask him. Tommy, what kind of fish is in a fish taco? Tom: Dead.

=============
Theres a 12-step program for pun users.
But it dozen work.

=============
When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record
Confused, I replied, Oh, is that still required?

=============
Dating pro tip: if she admires the Soviet Union.
then that's a red flag

=============
What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)
Pockets

=============
Because the punchline gets spoiled early.
Why is this time travel joke not funny?

=============
Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork
Think I nailed it!

=============
1 minute chuckle
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. This is so embarrassing, the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you? He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? No, she replies. You just happened to catch my eye.

=============
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity

=============
Someone told me to write a haiku for them. I was like,
I'm not doing that. Write your own goddam haiku. The nerve of some folks.

=============
The man who invented the throat lozenge has passed away.
There was no coffin at the funeral.

=============
Patras Bukhari was a very well known Urdu humor writer. He was very witty. Once he was asked: 'Have you ever been speechless?' He replied: 'Yes. Once I went to the market to get my wrist-watch repaired.
I saw shop with a lot of clocks, so I asked the shopkeeper to repair my wrist-watch. The shopkeeper said, Sir, we do not repair watches. I asked him, What do you do then? Shopkeeper replied: We do circumcisions. I asked him: Then why have you hung so many clocks in your shop? It gives people a wrong idea about your shop He replied with a defeated tone: Then sir, please suggest me what should I hang at my shop?

=============
I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs..
when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

=============
Vladimir Putin Visits a School One Day
And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world. At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says: Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions Putin: go ahead Sasha: Why did Russia invade Ukraine? And why havent we won the war yet? At that moment the bell rang and everyone went to lunch. At the end of lunch the QA continued and another kid stood up My name is boris and I have four questions Putin: Yes? Boris: Why did Russia invade Ukraine? why havent we won the war yet? why was the bell 20 minutes early and where is Sasha? Note: I did post this one a while back but I figured it became a little more relevant in recent times.

=============
I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.
I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit. I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I probably shouldn't have been surprised that looking up something related to Ancient Egypt led me to a pyramid scheme.

=============
call me anything you want, i kicked a pregnant lady right at her stomach, and I'm proud of it
i kicked her from the inside though

=============
A family went to a nudist beach for their vacation.
A family went to a nudist beach for their vacation.

=============
My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number
My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

=============
Ever since Bader Ginsburg died
Ever since Bader Ginsburg died

=============
My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist
My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

=============
I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.
I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

=============
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where theres a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says.
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where theres a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says.

=============
Four Surgeons
Four Surgeons

=============
I went on a date with an Italian.
I went on a date with an Italian.

=============
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

=============
My wife found out she's adopted.
My wife found out she's adopted.

=============
The whole family are having breakfast together when
The whole family are having breakfast together when

=============
My wife said she wants to break up with me
My wife said she wants to break up with me

=============
No single bird can defeat me.
But Toucan.

=============
A blonde sees a cow with no horns.
.so she asks the farmer, Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns? The farmer replies, Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and too dangerous to handle and be around. Yet another reason is because sometimes when they are calves we put a type of acid where the horns are growing and this stops the horns from forming. The blonde then points and asks, OK, but what about that cow, why doesn't it have any horns? The farmer replies, Well, ma'am, the reason why THAT particular cow has no horns is because it's a horse.

=============
The whole family are having breakfast together when
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, Will you pass the honey, honey? She giggles and passes the honey. His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, Will you pass the sugar, sugar? She laughs, Your still a charmer, and passes the sugar. The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, Will you pass the tea. bag?

=============
Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos.
Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

=============
Being married is solving problems together.
Problems I wouldn't have, if I was single.

=============
Son, you were adopted!
what do you mean I was adopted? I saw a picture of mom pregnant.. No. I mean you were adopted! Pack your things. Your new family is coming to pick you up!

=============
I went on a date with an Italian.
We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.

=============
My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number
Told him I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy

=============
Schools are no fun nowdays.
20 years ago, me and my friends could run round the playground giving wedgies, and at most we'd have to write lines. We tried it today and got arrested.

=============
'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'
Me: I can't stop singing Barenaked Ladies. Priest: How long has it been since your last confession? Me: It's been.

=============
I'm the laziest baker ever, so I was actually happy when someone stole my sourdough.
Whoever it was, I'm sure they knead it more than I did.

=============
A girl looking for a job
A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the real zebra who was there died and the profits fell because the visitors were coming specifically to see the zebra, but the girl accepted the job because of her financial condition and things were fine until the accident happened. One day, while she was in the cage, the lion in the next cage opened the door and came out and slowly were approaching her and the girl was terrified and trembling. She was terrified and did not know what to do, because in all scinerios she would end up getting eaten by the lion, and when the lion approached, he said to her, Calm down , this is Mike ,I have a master degree in economics

=============
Ever since Bader Ginsburg died
The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.

=============
A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didnt know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover, She told him, I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much. The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much. The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man, and reinvested the rest. She said, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much, The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

=============
I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off
But after I thought about, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

=============
A man walks into a museum
He sees a dinosaur skeleton and asks the tour guide How old is that skeleton? The tour guide says 65 million and 3 years, 5 months and 12 days. Wow says the man, How do you get such a specific measurement? The tour guide replies Well it was 65 million years old when I started working here. Ive been here for 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.

=============
I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.
I love being a postman.

=============
I started a Tinder app for chickens.
Its not full time or anything. I just do it to make hens meet.

=============
Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.
They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough. A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate heard a voice saying: One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. He immediately sobered up ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest. Father, please come with me. Come witness God Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery. They both ran back to the cemetery gate the voice continued: One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. Suddenly, the voice stopped counting said: What about the two at the gate? You've never seen 2 people running so fast!

=============
I accidentally took my cat's medication.
Don't ask meow.

=============
I kissed a girl today.
Wish I could post this in another sub some day.

=============
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair. What I want you to do. the man continued. Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong. And so they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

=============
The shortest sentence in the English language is also the longest
I do

=============
I'm compiling a book of poems by felons.
I'm going to call it Prose and Cons.

=============
My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion
In my defence,it's not what it looked like

=============
A paedophile goes into a florist
And says I'd like a bunch of flowers please The florist asks orchids? To which he replies no thanks, just the flowers

=============
A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska.
So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat. He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Penguin asks him if there is any place to eat while he waits. The mechanic says there is a great fish and chips right around the corner. So, the penguin leaves and gets a nice lunch. An hour has passed and he heads back to the repair shop. The mechanic has the car on a lift, so the penguin asks the mechanic if he found the issue. The mechanic says It looks like you blew a seal. The penguin wipes the side of his mouth and says No, thats just tartar sauce.

=============
If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
congratulations, you're doing great!

=============
'We're looking for a drug dealer,' said the police officer, 'and you fit the description we've been given.'
I said, That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?

=============
The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part documentary! Parts A through D are freely available to download, but
You have to fight for your right to Part E!

=============
A naked man arrives at a party with a girl on his back.
I am a turtle he says. Who is on your back? Thats Michelle

=============
I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.
He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

=============
Justin Timberlake has volunteered to fight along side Ukrainian Forces
His first task Crimea River

=============
A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'
'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'

=============
I walked into a bar
And ordered 10 shots of vodka at the bar and started doing shot after shot until I got 6 in and the bartender said 'Jeez buddy, are you having problems?' to which I replied You wouldn't want what I got.. He asked what I had and I said About 35 cents He kicked me out promptly afterwards So I was walking down the sidewalk kinda buzzed and stumbled into two priests. They apologized and I replied I'mje -hiccup- Jesus Christ. They looked at each other and said no no son you just seem a little drunk to which I replied N-no I'm Jeeesus Christ. I can prooove it! Follow -hiccup- meee (while holding onto one of their shoulders for support). They obliged and started to follow me. So I walked back into the bar and bartender said: Jesus Christ, not you again!

=============
I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.
I stopped to listen and they were chanting eight, eight, eight eight. I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye. Then they began chanting nine, nine, nine, nine.

=============
A suicide bomber went to heaven.
The Angel at the front desk greeted him. Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you! I knew it! said the bomber. Bring me the women! The Angel smiled. Who mentioned women? Edit: Wow, this blew up.

=============
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.
They put me in the ICU.

=============
simulation of monkey pressing button
simulation complete

=============
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea. You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning. Please friends, if you cant handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.

=============
I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the newspaper.
So I entered my sister.

=============
A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.
Shakira: Of course not your Honor. Shakiras Hips:Of course we did your Honor.

=============
Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle.
Having 12 close friends after age 30!

=============
I used to work in a calender factory.
I got fired for taking a few days off.

=============
The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job.
In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault. After a few quick inspections, the safe cracker sat down, pulled off his shoes and socks, and started manipulating the combination dial with this toes. Why are you wasting time like this?, the ring leader asked. The safe cracker replied, I'll have it open in a jiffy. This only takes me 5 extra seconds, but it really confuses the guys in the fingerprint lab.

=============
I walked into a bar
And ordered 10 shots of vodka at the bar and started doing shot after shot until I got 6 in and the bartender said 'Jeez buddy, are you having problems?' to which I replied You wouldn't want what I got.. He asked what I had and I said About 35 cents He kicked me out promptly afterwards So I was walking down the sidewalk kinda buzzed and stumbled into two priests. They apologized and I replied I'mje -hiccup- Jesus Christ. They looked at each other and said no no son you just seem a little drunk to which I replied N-no I'm Jeeesus Christ. I can prooove it! Follow -hiccup- meee (while holding onto one of their shoulders for support). They obliged and started to follow me. So I walked back into the bar and bartender said: Jesus Christ, not you again!

=============
'We're looking for a drug dealer,' said the police officer, 'and you fit the description we've been given.'
I said, That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?

=============
I was just on a diabetes information website.
It asked if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

=============
A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska.
So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat. He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Penguin asks him if there is any place to eat while he waits. The mechanic says there is a great fish and chips right around the corner. So, the penguin leaves and gets a nice lunch. An hour has passed and he heads back to the repair shop. The mechanic has the car on a lift, so the penguin asks the mechanic if he found the issue. The mechanic says It looks like you blew a seal. The penguin wipes the side of his mouth and says No, thats just tartar sauce.

=============
One day a blind man goes to restaurant
The server asked him if hed like to see the menu The blind man says: no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order. The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork. The blind man smells it and says: Ill have the beef steak with mash potatoes and gravy and some chocolate brownies for dessert. The server brings him his food and the blind man enjoys his meal, pays the bill and leaves. Next week, the blind man goes back to the same restaurant. The server recognizes him and wanting to see how good the blind mans sense of smell is, he goes to the kitchen and asks his wife, Brenda, for a spoon. He instructs his wife, Brenda, to rub the spoon all over her private parts and so she does. The server hands the dirty spoon to the blind man. The blind man takes a whiff and says: I didnt know Brenda worked here

=============
Woman mistakes Lee Trevino for a migrant worker
Lee Trevino is a Mexican-American who was one of the best golfers (and greatest characters) in the world. But when he was a young man, he would still mow his own lawn, and this is why. He was a young golfer on the PGA Tour, and a married man, when one day he was out mowing the lawn in front of his house in Dallas, as he always did. A woman drove up in a big, shiny Cadillac, rolled down her window and said, Excuse me, do you speak English? He answered, Yes Ma'am, I do. The woman then asked him, What do you charge to do yard work? Trevino said, Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her. The woman quickly put the car in gear and sped off. True story.

=============
I was going to post a joke about abortion
But Reddit killed it before I could deliver it

=============
I said my mother-in-law was a cranky, meddling, pushy, obnoxious shrew but she took it wrong.
She thought I was joking.

=============
A CEO of a company called his secretary (his married mistress) and told her that he wants to go on a trip with her this weekend so they can have some fun
and that she can tell her husband its a work trip, so she agreed. She called her husband and told him that she has a work trip so she wont spend this weekend with him, he understood. her husband called his mistress and told her that his wife is out this weekend so she should come because they will be all alone in the house, she agreed. The husbands mistress, who works as a babysitter, called the CEO and told him that she cant babysit his kid this weekend because she has things to do, so he agreed. The CEO called his secretary (his married mistress) to tell her that he cant go because he need to babysit his kid. The secretary called her husband and told him the news, the husband told his mistress to cancel. The mistress called the CEO and told him that she canceled her things and she can be with his kid the weekend. the CEO called his secretary

=============
Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger
In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup

=============
I've been clean for 47 days now.
It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

=============
A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.
This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat! The sadist nods approvingly: Yes! Let's catch a cat. and let's torture it! The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes in: Let's catch a cat, let's torture it, and then let's kill it! The necrophile adjusts the front of his pants and grins: Let's catch a cat, let's torture it, let's kill it, and then let's have some fun with its corpse! Toying with his lighter, the pyromaniac replies: Let's catch a cat, let's torture it, let's kill it, let's have some fun with its corpse, and then let's burn it! The masochist is quiet for a moment. Then he says: Meow.

=============
I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, 'Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment.' I said, 'Sure, there's that.'
But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.

=============
My friends hot mom had a nervous breakdown
It was a serious milfunction

=============
The only thing flat-Earthers fear
Is sphere itself

=============
I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.
Oo yeah, I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, you keep emptying that washing machine, baby.

=============
'An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy . do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

=============
Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.
(OC) One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp. I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish. The first academic ponders for a moment and says, I wish this entire situation was fiction, being told as a joke. None of us are real. GRANTED! Next? The second academic only takes a minute and says, To improve the structure of the joke, I wish there were a third academic who also gets a wish. GRANTED! And you, the third academic? The third, peeved at having been created to round out a three-beat structure, says, I wish the joke wasnt funny.

=============
I don't really believe in parallel universes.
But there could be a version of me who does.

=============
My Dad was in the hospital from being electrocuted
When he left he was discharged

=============
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.

=============
A man arrives home one day and says to his wife: 'What would you do if I told you I had a winning Powerball ticket?'
She replies, Honestly? I would take my half and leave you. Great! says the man, and hands her $10. Here's your half. Now pack your bags.

=============
Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

=============
76% of people dont know opposite words for the following:

1. Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

=============
If James Hetfield officiated Kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding.
He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!

=============
I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.
Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

=============
I hate double standards. When a guy hooks up with a lot of girls, hes a player
But when I do it, Im a lesbian

=============
It's wrong to call childbirth delivery.
Actually, it's take-out.

=============
I spotted my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just ..too much history between us.

=============
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! He turns to her and says, What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating. This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating, says the woman. What a coincidence, says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, What are you celebrating? My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! What a coincidence, says the man. I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile. That's great, says the woman. How did your chickens become fertile? I switched cocks, he replies. What a coincidence, she said.

=============
I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off
But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

=============
A premature ejaulator went to a dinner party.
He didn't know what to wear, so he just came in his pants

=============
Respect people who wear glasses
They paid money to see you.

=============
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me! The passenger apologized and said, I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. The driver replied, Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

=============
According to ancient Japanese lore, a persons aura takes a particular colour right before they die.
Cyan Aura.

=============
Not to brag, but made six figures this year
They named me the worst employee at the toy factory

=============
My 12 year old just told me a joke
He said Ive been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, Im only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.

=============
How many Germans .
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One, because we are efficient and do not have a sense of humour.

=============
A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didnt know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover, She told him, I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much. The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much. The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man, and reinvested the rest. She said, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much, The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

=============
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order
And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

=============
Don't complain about Microsoft skipping Windows 9.
They've never been able to count. They came out with Microsoft DOS without ever releasing Microsoft UNO.

=============
I've just finished writing my book on penguins.
My wife thinks it would be better on paper.

=============
New Doggy
I've just gone and bought a dog off a Blacksmith!!! As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door!

=============
Two cannibals are lunching.
One of them says: I don't like my mother-in-law. The other one: Then just have the noodles.

=============
Breaking News Trumps personal library just burned down
The fire consumed both books and he hasnt even finished coloring the second one

=============
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street.
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash! I'm gonna do it, one guy tells the other and disappears through the church door. 5 minutes later he's back. Well, Did you get the cash? his buddy asks. Jeez Is that all you people think about? comes the friend's reply. edit: cheers for the upvotes. It was a joke John Cleese told when I saw him and Eric Idle live. Edited here for clarity.

=============
'Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!'
Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he? I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!

=============
Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish
They drank the T

=============
If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

=============
Offer a man a plane ticket and hell fly for a day.
Push a man off a plane and hell fly for the rest of his life.

=============
Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops
The cop asks Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies No, but I know where I am.

=============
There are 6.02*1023 guacas in a guacamole,
This is also known as avocado's number.

=============
Tequila may not fix your life.
But, It's worth a shot.

=============
An American and a Russian were arguing about the differences in their countries.
The American says: Listen in my country i can walk into the oval office and i can hit the desk with my fist and say President Biden I do not like the way youre governing our country The Russian says: i can do that. The American says: what how? The Russian says: i can go straight into the kremlin go to the presidents office and i can pound my fist on Putins desk and say Mr. president i do not like the way Joe Biden is governing

=============
Two beggars, one dressed as a rabbi and the other a monk, are sitting adjacent to each other outside of a church collecting charity one Sunday morning
And with each churchgoer who passes by on the way to Sunday services, they deliberately walk past the rabbi, some even spitting down at him, and then very obviously taking pains to give the monk a donation. With each passerby the begging Rabbis bowl remains empty, while the monks gets progressively more full. Eventually, a kindly older woman, also on her way to church, stops at the rabbi, giving him a few coins and a kindly smile, and tells him: You know, you might be better off collecting money elsewhere, this just doesnt seem to be your spot. In response the rabbi turns to the monk and says: Check it out, this gentile wants to teach the Goldberg brothers how to do business.

=============
An Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny into an open sewage pit
The pit was full of excrement, and after a few moments of thinking the Scotsman concluded: It's not worth it. I will never dive in for a penny! Then he checked his pockets for some change, picked two pounds and throw it to the pit: Now it's better he said and jumped into the sewage.

=============
I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream.
I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.

=============
There are three types of people in the world
Those who can count, and those who can't

=============
A man walks into a bar, his head hung in shame.
What'll it be? asks the bartender. The man says, Just a club soda. I think I'm done drinking. The bartender fills the order. Why? Well, the man says, Last night I got so drunk, I went home and blew chunks. I've been tending bar for 25 years, the bartender sympathizes, and I have seen a lot of people vomit after drinking too much. It's not that big of a deal. The man takes a long sip of the soda. You don't understand, he says. Chunks is my dog. EDIT: Hey, a Silver! Thank you!

=============
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Doorbell repair guy.

=============
Literally no one:
0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

=============
I walked in the pub with my gorgeous fiance .
Barman said Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her? I met her in Thailand, I replied. We're due to get married next month. You don't want to get married, he laughed . That's when the blowjobs stop. I don't mind that, I replied. I hate giving them to her anyway.

=============
When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record
Confused, I replied, Oh, is that still required?

=============
Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in
Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?

=============
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole.
.A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole. 26 feet 6 inches She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off. One engineer looks at the other and says, Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!

=============
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews. . . We only have one star.

=============
There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

=============
Blondes
A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, You've been kidnapped, young man! Once the kid understood what was happening and was sitting quietly, she wrote a ransom note that said, I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning at 7 o'clock, put $10,000 in a brown paper bag and leave it under the pine tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. She signed it Blondie She pinned the note to the kid's striped tee-shirt and then sent him home to show his parents The next morning, the blonde went to the playground, looked under the pine tree, and there it was, the brown paper bag. She looked in the bag, and the $10,000 she demanded was there, along with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

=============
A pirate walked into a bar.
He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. How did you get that wooden leg? he asked. The pirate took a swig of ale. 'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg. The bartender said What about your hook? The pirate took another long swig. Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off. The bartender was growing sceptical. And how did you get that eyepatch? The pirate took another swig. Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye. The bartender said That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck. The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. Twas the first day with the hook.

=============
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down.

=============
CNN says that Trumpists have been falling asleep at Trump rallies lately
Trump says it's all just fake snooze. ​ Credit where credit is due I stole this from YouTube comments.

=============
A blind man once walked into a bar.
And into a chair. And into a table. And into a person.

=============
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, What is this Father? The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son. Go get your Mother.

=============
Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother
Sudden Lee

=============
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.
Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

=============
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.
The performer sees them arrive and since theyre at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly. Yes. Oui. Si. Ja.

=============
'How much for a dance?' I asked the stripper on the stage.
20, she said. I pulled out 50 and gave it to her. How come you're so generous? she winked. I said, Just in case I break the pole.

=============
What are a trans parents pronouns
Whowhere

=============
a family of hookers. a Grandma, a Mom, and a daughter
The three were talking about current menu prices and since the mom and grandma prostitute are retired. The Daughter says right now I charge $120 for a blowjob. Holy cow! The mom says, back in my day it was only $30. HAAAA! The grandma says, back in my day we used to give blow job's just to have something warm in our stomachs.

=============
My Uncle used to say 'If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life.'
He did heroin.

=============
My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what shes up to now.

=============
Foul Mouthed Parrots
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' That's terrible! the priest exclaims, but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord. Thank you! the woman responds. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

=============
Two deer walk out of a gay bar
One says to the other: I can't believe I blew 100 bucks in there

=============
My grandfather was arrested several times.
.for selling a phony immortality elixir. Once in 1885, again in 1922, a third time in 1964, another time in December 2021.

=============
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

=============
A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde arent dumb
A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her whats 2+2? The little girl shivers and squeaks out T-three? The crowd erupts yelling Give her another chance! So they do and ask her again whats 2+2? The girl stands there for a moment before answering is it 4? The crowd starts chanting once again Give her another chance!

=============
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

=============
I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.
I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

=============
i finally got my first role in a porn movie!!!
I'm the husband leaving for work.

=============
There was a Mexican magician who was about to disappear on the count of three. He said 'uno. dos-' and vanished.
He disappeared without a tres

=============
A dumb blonde
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. Oh, I really liked it, she replied, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. Dumbfounded, her date asked, What do you mean? Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!

=============
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny 'have you ever heard of the word contagious before?'
Of course miss Johnny replies my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday. Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence? Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.

=============
Memory
A tourist was introduced to a Native American Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943? The Indian answered, Eggs. The man scoffed, Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. Thirteen years later the traveler's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up and said jovially, How! The Indian answered, Scrambled.

=============
A husband and wife are in the doctor's office
The wife says doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction. The husband interjects well, technically it's her who suffers from it.

=============
The kids are coming in from recess.
The kids are coming in from recess. The teacher asks Susie what she did at recess. I played in the sandbox with John. That's nice. If you can spell 'sand', I'll give you a cookie. S-A-N-D. Okay, here's your cookie. Next is John. John, what did you do at recess? I played in the sandbox with Susie. That's nice. If you can spell 'box', I'll give you a cookie. B-O-X. Great! Here's your cookie. The next kid to come in is Jamaal. Jamaal, what did you do at recess? I wanted to play in the sandbox with John and Susie, but they wouldn't let me. Oh no! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. Okay, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination, I'll give you a cookie!

=============
Father's Promise from His Three Sons
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. I feel its my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die. So it happened. His sons became a doctor, a financial planner and a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyers turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his fathers coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

=============
old joke
Husband is standing next to his dying wife. Wife tells him darling before i die i have a confession to make, please open up the box that is under the bed. Husband does it and finds 50k dollars and 3 chicken eggs. The man asks what's the deal with the 3 eggs?. Wife explains that every time she cheated on him she would put 1 egg inside the box. The husband says to her, well we were married almost 50 years, 3 eggs is not a lot, but honey what about the 50k?. Whenever I had a dozen eggs I would sell them.

=============
No single bird can defeat me.
But Toucan.

=============
'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'
Me: I can't stop singing Barenaked Ladies. Priest: How long has it been since your last confession? Me: It's been.

=============
A stoner, a Jedi and a doctor all walk into a bar
Blunt Force Trauma

=============
My dentist can knock you out with gas or his boat paddle.
Its a matter of ether oar

=============
During my check-up
I asked the Doctor, Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? He replied, I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. He replied, Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.

=============
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.
The bartender says, Olive or twist?

=============
God and Canadians
When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice. But the Devil said, you are disturbing the balance of nature. God thought about it, and said, you are right. But I don't want to undo my work. Devil: well, there is only one way to fix this. So God created Canadian Geese.

=============
Man, nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice.
Except Chris Brown.

=============
Bikinis reveal 95% of a woman's body.
Men are so polite they only look at covered areas.

=============
To everyone out there suffering from Paranoia
Just remember you're not alone

=============
You can never just do a little laundry.
You always have to do loads of it. Just came up with this while doing laundry. I'm sure it's not original though.

=============
Id like to start a discount brothel
Id call it, Penny for Our Thots

=============
Make sure you pay full price for a circumcision.
You wouldn't want to get ripped off.

=============
A young girl asks her father, Daddy what does the word corruption mean?
Bring me a beer and Ill tell you. But mummy says you shouldnt drink! Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer. Oh, okay!

=============
I can't go in public without people staring at my body
Now I just leave her at home

=============
A poorly translated Dutch joke: A family called 'Vermeer' has a construction supply shop
Next to the front door they have a cross with Jesus hanging on it with the text for two thousand years, Jesus has hanged here with nails of Vermeer. Their shop was in The Veluwe, i.e. the Dutch Bible belt, so the local municipality got upset and told the family to change it. So the family removed the cross and changed the text to here jesus fell off the wall, with the nails of Vermeer this wouldn't have happened at all.

=============
Long joke
A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, What happened? The man replies, I hit this rabbit with my car and now its dead! The other person gets a thoughtful look on their face and goes back to their car. They rummage around in the trunk, and eventually walk back over to the man holding a spray bottle. They spray the rabbit with the bottle, and it comes back to life. It starts hopping away, turning back every few hops to wave at the two people. The man, astounded, turns to the other person and asks, What was in that bottle? The other person replies, Its hare spray. It revived dead hare and gives it a constant wave.

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I recently had a check up. They told me I had a cavity that really needed a filling.
So Im looking for a new proctologist.

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The inventor of autocorrect died
The funnel will be held tomato.

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the recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is.
Totally unrelated topic - anybody know a good dentist?

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Whosoever invented 'dentures' missed out on calling them .
Substitooths.

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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with 'I'.
Student: I is the.. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after I. Always put 'am' after I. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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Three pieces of string walk into a bar.
String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends. The barman says, We dont serve pieces of string here. So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, They dont serve strings here. Then string 2 tries but gets the same result. So string 3 gets up, ties himself around the middle, and he pulls his ends out. And he proceeds to order drinks. The barman says, here, arent you one of those pieces of string? And the piece of string, he says, No, I'm a frayed knot. ​ ​ From Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

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A fortune teller told me that.
. in 12 years time, Id suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

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I'll do Algebra, even put up with Trigonometry
But Graphing is where I draw the line

=============
It's exhausting going down on waitresses.
I'm really tired of them asking How's everything tasting? 5 seconds in.

=============
Little known fact, cowboys dont roll joints.
They tumble weed.

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I went to a restaurant and a waiter spilled chowder down my trousers, so I said.
Waiter, waiter.there's soup in my fly!

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We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my ex-wife
in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow

=============
Three fonts walk into a bar. The barman says,
Clear out, we dont want your type here!

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A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.
When its done, he asks the barber how much he owes. All free, friend. I consider it a service to God. The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest. Presently, a policeman enters, wanting a trim. When the barber is finished, the policeman asks how much he owes. No charge, friend. I consider this a service to the Lord above. The next day when the barber turns up to work, theres a box of donuts and a thank you card on the doorstep. In the afternoon, a senator comes in for a haircut. When the barber is finished, he tells the surprised but pleased senator that there is no charge, as he considers it a service to God. When the barber goes to work the next day, theres a line of senators waiting in a long line for haircuts.

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A vulture walked into an airplane,
dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak. The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks Wouldnt you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment? And the vulture said No thanks. Its carrion.

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The problem with the goose
A peasant goes to a country fair and buys two chickens, a bucket, an anvil, and a goose. Walking back to his village he meets a woman who asks him for directions to the village. - Come with me, but lets take a shortcut through the woods, much faster. - No way! I know you men, once were in the woods, youre going to try and ravish me at once. - But how? Looks at all the stuff I am carrying! - Yeah, right! You can put the chickens under the bucket and put the anvil on top! - Oh yeah? And the goose? The woman pauses for a second - Alright, Ill hold the goose

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A Scottish soldier goes to the US for special military training.
The next day morning he goes to the platoon and after looking at him the officer asks him: - Private, did you come here to die? To which he responds: - No sir, I came here yesterday.

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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, 'This dog tells me you're on drugs...''
I said I'm on drugs? you're the one talking to dogs.

=============
My gun saved my life today.
It misfired.

=============
A suicide bomber went to heaven.
The Angel at the front desk greeted him. Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you! I knew it! said the bomber. Bring me the women! The Angel smiled. Who mentioned women?

=============
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.
They put me in the ICU.

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Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.

=============
I lost my job at the bank the very first day
This lady asked me to check her balance So I pushed her over.

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A woman brought her hamster to the vet
A women brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died. The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and leaves the room with his tail low. The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs of quickly. Fine, I believe you now, the woman says, my beloved hamster is dead. I'm sorry for your loss, the vet replies. Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars says the vet. what? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead? The woman says shocked. The vet replies: No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan.

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Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow. She says - I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph Officer - That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet. He asks the driver whats wrong. Her - Oh, we just came off I-215

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I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.
I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out! I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs. I tiptoed into the kitchen. Nobody there. Slowly, I made my way into the living room. Nobody there. Getting really nervous, I crept into the dining room. Nobody there. There was one room left- the toilet. I silently approached, gripping my bat, and flung open the door! Nobody there. Where could he be hiding? I wondered. Then I remembered- I don't have a wife.

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Yesterday the doctor told me I had cancer
Im scared I replied Dont worry the doctor said. Its all in your head Pls dont roast me too much for this one I think I made it up

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I used to date a girl called Sue Denim..
Until I found out that it wasn't her real name.

=============
My buddy sidled up next to me at the club and said, 'Hate to be the one to break this to you, but I just saw some dude put his arms around your girl three times.' I laughed and told him I didnt believe him because.
Nobodys got arms that long.

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Visiting a farm
A husband wife goes visiting a farm. They saw a bull mating with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager. Wife: How many times does a bull mate a day? Manager replied: 6 times a day. The wife looked at her husband and said . you see! Then the husband asked the manager. Husband: You mean 6 times a day with the same cow? Manager replied: No, no, with different cows everyday. Husband looked at his wife said: ..You see!

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I wanted to learn how to fly a plane.
But I realised I was in the wrong class when the professor said this will be a crash course in flight! (Sorry if it's a bit dad joke-ish I tried to write my own joke but chances are it's been told before)

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A family went to a nudist beach for their vacation.
A family went to a nudist beach for their vacation.

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Ever since Bader Ginsburg died
Ever since Bader Ginsburg died

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My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number
My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

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My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist
My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

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I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.
I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

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A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where theres a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says.
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where theres a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says.

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Four Surgeons
Four Surgeons

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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

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I went on a date with an Italian.
I went on a date with an Italian.

=============
My wife found out she's adopted.
My wife found out she's adopted.

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The whole family are having breakfast together when
The whole family are having breakfast together when

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A women walks into a bar and takes a seat next to an old cowboy.
Excuse me sir, are you really a cowboy? Says the woman. Yup, have been my whole life the old man answers. What is that makes you a cowboy? She asks. The old man thinks for a minute and says Well, when I wake up in the morning I think about herding, all through the day I think about my herd and at night before bed I think about cattle The woman thinks about it and answers That makes sense. See I'm a lesbian, I wake up thinking of kissing women, I spend the day thinking about touching women and I go to bed thinking about sleeping with women. They sit for a while longer until she finishes her drink and takes her leave. A young man then enters and sits down next to the old cowboy. Hey mister, are you really a cowboy? Asks the young man. The old man looks up at him and says Well untill a few hours ago I thought I was, but now I think I might be a lesbian

=============
My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today
It tastes like dirt! I told him it was just ground this morning.

=============
A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion
when the rabbi asked Could you ever be promoted withing your church? The priest responded, Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop. The rabbi asked, And then? The priest though for a second and responded, Well, then I might become a cardinal. The rabbi again asked, And then? The priest again pondered the question before responding Then I would become Pope! The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked And then? The priest, exasperated, cried What else could I become? God Himself!? The rabbi quietly responded One of our boys made it

=============
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.
I wasnt really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! He turns to her and says, What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating. This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating, says the woman. What a coincidence, says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, What are you celebrating? My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! What a coincidence, says the man. I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile. That's great, says the woman. How did your chickens become fertile? I switched cocks, he replies. What a coincidence, she said.

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An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital.
Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away. When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried: So, how's my mom doing? Shes great! he replied. She will be released from the hospital any day now, and will move in with us when shes released, and go on to live for many, many years! Wow! That's amazing! says the wife. But also very strange. Before I left the hospital, she seemed very ill, and the doctors said she may only have a few days left. Did she have some kind of a miraculous recovery? Well, I dont know about that, replied the husband. But today, the doctor told me that we needed to start preparing for the worst!

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Three drunks enter a taxi
the driver immediately notices that they were drunk, and decided to make a quick buck out of them. When they entered the car, he drove 100 meters, made a turn and told them that they arrived at their destination. The first one thanks the driver and leaves. The second thanks him, give him money and then leaves. The third realizes that something was wrong and slaps the driver as hard as he could. The driver looks at him and asks: the hell is wrong with you?!, to which the drunk guy replies: don't you ever drive that fast again!

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Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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Whats the difference between Apples and orphans
Apples get picked

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The consultant dies and goes to heaven
When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests: 'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?' 'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.' 'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied. 'We added up your time sheets', Peter said.'

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A premature ejaulator went to a dinner party.
He didn't know what to wear, so he just came in his pants

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A stranger rides into a Wild West town and finds it deserted.
All except the saloon, so when he's hitched his hoss to the rail he goes in, orders a beer, and says to the barkeep Say, where is everyone? They've all gone to hang the Brown Paper Kid, says the barkeep. 'Brown Paper Kid' ain't no kinda name for a man, says the newcomer. What do they call him that for? Well, says the barkeep, it's on account of he wears brown paper trousers, a brown paper jacket, brown paper boots and a brown paper hat. He belts two six-guns in a brown paper belts, and he rides a hoss with a brown paper saddle. And what are they hanging him for? asks the stranger. The barkeep gives him a surprised look: Rustling. (This community does not allow original content tag. Go figure)

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Your momma is so poor
She gave me imitation crabs.

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44% of Marriages end in divorce.
That means 56% of marriages are fatal. I love statistics.

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A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.
When its done, he asks the barber how much he owes. All free, friend. I consider it a service to God. The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest. Presently, a policeman enters, wanting a trim. When the barber is finished, the policeman asks how much he owes. No charge, friend. I consider this a service to the Lord above. The next day when the barber turns up to work, theres a box of donuts and a thank you card on the doorstep. In the afternoon, a senator comes in for a haircut. When the barber is finished, he tells the surprised but pleased senator that there is no charge, as he considers it a service to God. When the barber goes to work the next day, theres a line of senators waiting in a long line for haircuts.

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Can someone explain to me why bleaching your butthole
isn't called changing your ring tone?

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A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck
I said I know

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The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas.
And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records once
But unfortunately the librarian told me to take it out and go home

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My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)
After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years. But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

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The lawyer just told us that all of our late grandfathers assets are Frozen.
No idea why he bought so many DVDs of the movie.

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I just found out my older wife was cheating on me
Turns out she's not a cougar, she's a cheetah

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A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of 20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling
He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains. 'You put your 20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.' The man thought about for the moment, shook his head regretfully, and said, 'Nah, the steaks are too high.'

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I used to think I was indecisive.
But, now I'm not so sure.

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The doctor told Billy, 'I have bad news and worse news'
well what's the bad news? Billy asked. you have 24 hours to live oh my God, what can be worse than that? well I've been trying to catch you since yesterday

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My wife and I have an open relationship
Found out last night

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A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.
The Bishop asks him, How are you managing with the loneliness? The Priest responds, If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey? The Bishop nods his head yes. The Priest yells out, Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky

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A teacher walks into a bar and says 'Can I have a beer'
The barman says I don't know, CAN YOU?

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I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.
I said, I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago. The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, We can't do that! I immediately shot back, Why? You did it last week.

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Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..
It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

=============
I too was a male trapped in a female's body
until the doctors pulled me out of the womb.

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Second Hand Goods
A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: So, how do you like using second-hand goods? Doesn't bother me, the new husband replies. Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new.

=============
During my check-up
I asked the Doctor, Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? He replied, I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. He replied, Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been? demanded his wife when he entered the house. Darling, replied the man, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock. The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, You liar! You've been playing golf!

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News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said
Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

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(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room.
But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.

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There is a fine line between the denominator and the numerator
Only a fraction of people will find this funny

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A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha. When he reaches the ground, he lands safely. ​ The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah. Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly. ​ The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL. BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!

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I went for a job interview today and the manager said, 'We're looking for someone who is responsible'
Well I'm your man I replied, In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible

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I thought about transitioning into a woman
Im not sure i can afford a pay cut at work though

=============
I recently had a dream that I was swimming in a sea of carbonated orange juice.
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea

=============
I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say.
Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder
But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

=============
I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented.
I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

=============
The last wedding I was at was very emotional.
Everybody was crying, the Bride and Groom, the whole reception, the priest.. Even the massive cake was in tiers..

=============
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.

=============
Policeman: 'How high are you?!?'
Me: No, officer, it's Hi, how are you.

=============
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
.. So, I had to put my foot down.

=============
If I won $1.28B, Id give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what Id do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

=============
In the 70s.
A Russian asks for a meeting with the President - I would like a passport and a visa to Belgium - asks the Russian man - But aren't you fine in Russia? - asks the president - Hm, really, I can't complain - So, maybe you don't like your work there? - Hm, really, I can't complain - Maybe it is the life there that you don't like? - Hm, really, I can't complain - Then it is socialism that doesn't satisfy you? - Hm, really, I can't complain - But now I'm confused. Excuse me but why do you want to go to Belgium? - asks the president - BECAUSE THERE I CAN FINALLY COMPLAIN!!!

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Alexa, tell me a joke
Alexa, tell me a joke. .Alexa? Alexa? Sorry, I wasn't listening. I thought you deserved some privacy. Really? Well, that's nic- Would you like to hear another joke?

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Mrs. Johnson was having her second set of twins: a boy and a girl.
Once again, she fell into a coma before delivery, so it fell to her younger brother to name the newborns. Traditionally, that job would fall to the eldest, but he had lost that privilege after naming her first set of twins Denise and Denephew. When she finally came to, she saw her brother standing by her bedside, holding her children. What did you name the boy? she asked. Dixon. Finally, she thought, a reasonable name for her son. And what is the girl's name? Dixoff.

=============
Vladimir Putin visits a school.
He asks a boy: Who is your true mother?. Mother Russia of course!, says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: who is your true father?. You, great president!, replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?. The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: An orphan!.

=============
Death must be really boring for subway drivers.
A light at the end of the tunnel is just a regular workday.

=============
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.

=============
I hate it when people act all intellectual
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they probably havent even seen one of his paintings

=============
Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot
Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. Its called Elf Cum. Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, Gee, thats really good, but why do you call it Elf Cum? Bartender replies, When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, That tastes just like Elf cum!

=============
I'm rather ashamed to say I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.
It reflects badly on me.

=============
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a failure. In Africa they didnt know what food meant; in India they didnt know what honest meant; in Europe they didnt know what shortage meant; in China they didnt know what opinion meant; in the Middle East they didnt know what solution meant; in South America they didnt know what please meant; in the USA they didnt know what the rest of the world meant.

=============
a snake walks into a bar
The bartender asked him : how tf did you just do that

=============
I've lived on Mars for years
However, only eating chocolate has taken a toll on my health

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Joke Of The Month
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realising he sent the email to a widow who had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her inbox, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read: To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send emails to loved ones. I've just checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice but a bit too warm and Im very lonely here. I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you.

=============
If I won $1.28B, Id give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what Id do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

=============
On my first day of flying lessons, I looked down anxiously and asked my instructor, What are all these buttons for?
He said, Those are to keep your shirt closed.

=============
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife on his phone, and said, Shes beautiful, isnt she? I said, If you think shes beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, shes an optician.

=============
Studying History makes you numb
but studying Mathematics makes you number.

=============
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
I have four boys and my wife is expecting another, says the Catholic. One more son, and I'll have a basketball team, That's nothing, says the Baptist. I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team. That's nothing, says the Mormon. I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course.

=============
simulation of monkey pressing button
simulation complete

=============
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession
Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a confession? Man: I never have, I am Jewish. Father: Then why are telling me all this? Man: Im telling everybody!

=============
One day a blind man goes to restaurant
The server asked him if hed like to see the menu The blind man says: no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order. The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork. The blind man smells it and says: Ill have the beef steak with mash potatoes and gravy and some chocolate brownies for dessert. The server brings him his food and the blind man enjoys his meal, pays the bill and leaves. Next week, the blind man goes back to the same restaurant. The server recognizes him and wanting to see how good the blind mans sense of smell is, he goes to the kitchen and asks his wife, Brenda, for a spoon. He instructs his wife, Brenda, to rub the spoon all over her private parts and so she does. The server hands the dirty spoon to the blind man. The blind man takes a whiff and says: I didnt know Brenda worked here

=============
Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays.
But in the medieval times, they were called Lance a lot.

=============
My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.
This morning I woke up and chose violins.

=============
'Son, I have some good news and some bad news.'
OK. he hesitated. Well, the good news is.I got you a replacement hamster. I said. A.replacement..? he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek. Yes, and that leads me to the bad news, I added, You are adopted.

=============
Little known fact, before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home.

=============
I got fired from a sperm bank.
Every time someone walked in I'd say get a load of this guy

=============
My Boss calls me the computer
Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

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One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.
Hello! Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake. But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie. Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now. Ok honey, I need you to go near the bedroom and shout 'Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway' and then come back and call me. A few minutes later, the daughter calls back. I did it, daddy. Well, what happened? Mommy got scared, started running around, tripped and hit her head, and now she isn't moving. Oh my god. And what about uncle Jake? He too got scared, jumped out of the window into the swimming pool, but he forgot you took out the water last week and now he isn't moving as well. Wait a minute, my house doesn't have a swimming pool. Wait, is this 351-7381?

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I was going to make a depressed joke
But my parents already did.

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A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor.
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. I have an interesting case here, he says. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped. Have you arrested her? asks the sergeant. No, not yet. The floors still wet.

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Im in love with a philosophy major, and she doesnt even know I exist
and worse she can prove it.

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A kid is selling lemonade
The boys sign reads 1 cup for 25, 3 cups for $1 A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. 25 cents, says the kid. The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each. As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75 Maybe lemonade stands arent your thing. I guess you're right says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.

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Im so sick of Millennials and their attitudes.
Always walking around like they rent the place

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If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.

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My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.
Thats ridiculous, I didnt even know it was her birthday.

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18 pounds at birth
A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. After he hangs up, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 18 pounds, but the man just shrugs and says, Aye, that's about average up our way, folks.like I said - my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy. Two weeks later the Scot returns to the same bar where the bartender asks, say, aren't you the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 18 pounds at birth.? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.. So how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, 14 pounds. The bartender is puzzled and concerned. What happened? He was 18 pounds the day he was born. The father takes a slow swig of his Glenfiddich, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says. We had him circumcised.

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As Jesus hangs from the cross
he calls down to Peter, Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away. The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you. Peter climbs the hill, almost makes it to Jesus, but the guards grab him just before he can hear the lords message. This time , they beat him near to death before sending him away again. The third day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you. This time Peter, all bloody and broken, crawls his way up the hill, makes it to Jesus and says Im here lord, what is it that you need to tell me?. Jesus looks at Peter and says, look Peter, I can see your house from here!.

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I invited my girlfriend to the gym with me, but she stood me up.
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out after all.

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A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood.

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My wife asked me why I was speaking softly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

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a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name hijkm she says im sorry, im not sure how to pronounce this name, then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:
thats me, and its pronounced noelle

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A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to him.

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I once dreamt that I was masturbating to pictures of my karate teachers.
Then I came to my senseis.

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A woman tells her friend: 'Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush'.
Her friend replied: Alright, so? Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

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I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car
Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me

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My dad wears the same trousers as his dad. His dad wears the same trousers as his dad and so on.
That's jeans for you.

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A friend told me the new term for Mansplaining
Correctile Dysfunction

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I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.
I guess it was a bad delivery

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I like my coffee like I like the Kardashians
I don't

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My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles.
I took him to the vet. No word yet.

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I got rid of my carbon monoxide detector.
It kept giving off a high pitched whine that made me feel nauseous and dizzy.

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I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore.
these are some dark times.

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I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.
Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.

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I circumcise elephants for the circus, the pay is lousy...
But the tips are enormous.

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Whoever invented the teaspoon
caused quite a stir.

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An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. This is amazing. How do you do it at your age? He answered, You've got to keep that old motor running. The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, You really are amazing. What's the secret? He again said, You've got to keep the old motor running. The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, You must be quite a man. He responded, You've got to keep that old motor running. The nurse then said, Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!