Add jokes here
Why doesnât James Bond fart in bed?
Because, it would blow his cover.
How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screen shots.
Why don't bachelors like Git?
Because they are afraid to commit.
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only ate Brians.
Why canât skeletons play church music?
Because they donât have any organs.
Harry Potter was a programmer
He is fluent in Python
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Day scare centers.
What does the vegan zombie say?
GrainsâŠGrains!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo!
What do you call a snowman that has a tantrum?
A meltdown
What do you call a factory that makes OK products?
Satisfactory
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he neverlands
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
Where's pop-corn?
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They crack each other up.
Why programmers use dark themes?
Light attracts bugs.
Why should a triangle never get into an argument with a circle?
Because its pointless.
Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer?
Because he couldn't see himself doing it.
Knock Knock? Who's there? Figs! Figs who?
Figs your doorbell
Knock Knock? Who's there? Boo! Boo who?
Don't cry, it's only Halloween.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
What is the scariest tree?
BamBOO!
Why canât a leopard hide?
Because heâs always spotted.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why canât you ever run through a campsite?
You can only ran â itâs always past tents.
Whatâs the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?
Leave the pizza in the oven.
What goes "oh oh oh"?
Santa walking backwards.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What kind of medal would Santa Claus win?
A Noel Prize
What is a cop's favorite Christmas song?
Police Navidad
What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?
Do you see what I see?
Who claps for Christmas?
Santapplause.
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because itâs in Decembrrrrrrr.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Christmas:
The time when everyone gets Santamental.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. You know why?
Inflation.
Do you know 10 + 10 & 11 + 11 is same. What is 10 + 10 ? Twenty. What is 11 + 11?
Twenty too
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world:
Those who know binary and those who donât.
Why did the database administrator leave his wife?
She had one-to-many relationships.
Whatâs the second movie about a database engineer called?
The SQL
Why did the functions stop calling each other?
Because they had constant arguments.
2B || !2B
Thatâs the question
If bees start writing software
Beeware
I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...
It is open sauce
Two sql developers walk into a bar & then walk straight outâŠ
Because there were no tables they could join
What language is used to program the self driving garbage truck?
Java, because it already has garbage collection.
Why did the constant break up with the variable?
Because she changedâŠ
What is a database programmerâs favourite drink?
Da-queries
Why did the database administrator leave his wife?
She had one-to-many relationships
Why do they use âiâ to loop through an array?
Because without it, it is terable.
Why do anarchists like functional programming?
Because it has no state.
How does a programmer determine what music they listen to?
It must be in C and have a good algo-rythme
Whatâs a web developers favourite food?
Cookies
Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didnât get arrays (a raise)
Knock knock - Who is there?
Recursion - Knock Knock
I just found out Iâm colorblind.
The news came out of the purple!
How do cows stay up to date?
They read the Moo-spaper.
I hate my jobâall I do is crush cans all day.
Itâs soda pressing.
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator
What is more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They are always stuffed
What do ducks put in their soup?
Quackers.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip?
Bison
Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?
They canât keep their trunks up
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the oceanâs bottom.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted!
Why did the snake cross the road?
To get to the other ssssssside!
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. Buildings canât jump
What do you call a cat thatâs in trouble with the police?
A purr-petrator.
What kind of sports cars do cats drive?
Fur-arris
Why was the cow afraid?
He was a cow-herd
What did Mama cow say to Baby cow?
Itâs pasture bedtime.
Did you hear about the guy that invented the knock knock joke?
He won a Nobel Prize.
Knock Knock. Who's there? I use yah. I use yah who?
Really? Why? Google is way better.
I tried to tell my dog a knock knock joke.
But she just started barking.
Knock, knock. Whoâs there? Tank. Tank who?
Youâre welcome.
Knock, knock. Whoâs there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who?
Never mind. Itâs pointless.
Knock, knock. Whoâs there? Luke. Luke who?
Luke through the peephole and find out.
Knock, knock. Whoâs there? Hatch. Hatch who?
Bless you.
Knock, knock. Whoâs there? Ice cream. Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you donât let me in!
Knock, knock. Whoâs there? Dejav. Dejav who?
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock. Whoâs there? Nana. Nana who?
Nana your business!
Knock knock. Whoâs there? Amish. Amish who?
Really? You donât look like a shoe.
Knock knock. Whoâs there? A little old lady. A little old lady who?
Dang! All this time, I had no idea you could yodel.
Knock knock. Whoâs there? Horsp. Horsp who?
Did you just say, âhorse pooâ?
Knock knock. Whoâs there? Colin. Colin who?
Colonization! Just kidding, colonizers donât knock before coming in
Knock knock. Whoâs there? Cash. Cash who?
Nah, but Iâll take some almonds if you got them.
Knock knock. Whoâs there? Cowsgo. Cowsgo who?
No, cows go MOO!
Knock knock. Whoâs there? Woo. Woo who?
Sounds like a party in there!
Knock knock. Whoâs there? Alien. Alien who?
Alien â wait, how many aliens do you know?
I donât often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms.
What does it cost to hire a spy?
I could tell you, but then Iâd have to bill you.
A clown held the door for me today.
That was a nice jester.
What did one shark say to the other while eating a clown fish?
This tastes funny.
Where do typists go to have a drink?
The space bar.
Did you hear about the world's largest pickle?
Itâs a really big dill (deal)
Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand?
The second hand store.
Why couldnât Luke find love?
He was looking in Alderaan places.
What do you call two Han Solos singing together?
Han duet.
What did the dentist say to Luke Skywalker?
May be floss be with you.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What does Yoda do when he's tired of Luke's questions?
Ewoks away.
What kind of car is Yoda's favorite?
A To-Yoda!
Why was Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he had green thumb.
Why did Yoda refuse to believe that Obi Wan had a twin?
Because there can only be Wan Kenobi.
What was Yoda's last name?
LayHeeHooâŠ
Why didnât any of Luke Skywalkerâs marriages last?
He always followed Obi-Wanâs advice: âUse divorce, Luke.â
What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars?
Pal-poutine.
How long has Anakin Skywalker been evil?
Since the Sith Grade.
Why shouldnât you ask Yoda for money?
Heâs a little short.
Why was the Millennium Falcon easier to fly after The Force Awakens?
Itâs now Hans free.
Where do Sith lords go shopping?
The Darth Maul
What's Darth Vader's favorite dessert?
Only one cannoli
How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?
He force feeds himself.
Why doesn't Darth Vader like to eat Ewoks?
He thinks they're a little Chewie.
How does Darth Vader greet visitors to Disneyland?
Welcome to the Park side.
Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?
of course, he was, after all, his stunt double.
Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?
Breakfast and breakfurious
What generation does Forest Gump belong to?
Gen A
What is Forest Gump's password for his computer?
1Forest1
Harry Potter became vegan...
Now he only speaks parsleytongue
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?
I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
Ever hear about the movie called "Constipation"?
It never came out.
What's a climate activist's favorite movie?
Mad at gas car
Did you see the movie about the hot dog?
It was an Oscar Wiener
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in your jeans.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy
Why canât you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will Let it go
How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
On a scale of one to ten, how obsessed with Harry Potter are you?
About nine and three quarters
What do you call it when Batman skips Church?
Christian Bale
Why doesnât Voldemort have glasses?
Nobody nose
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light-hearted.
The fifth one was dead Sirius.
What do you call a hobbit party?
A little get together.
Why are most hobbits good guys?
Because they donât look down on people.
I did a Lord of the Rings marathon yesterdayâŠ.
I ran 26 miles dressed up as Frodo Baggins!
R2-D2 was the most vulgar movie character of all timeâŠ
They bleeped out every word he said!
Why did Episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before 1, 2, and 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theatreâŠ
Itâs ok though, it still saved me money.
What instrument do fish play?
The bass guitar
My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.
We both got played, constantly.
What kind of instrument does a British person play?
A UK-lele
What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?
....a two-baaaaaaaaaaaa
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician
What's an avocado's favorite music?
Guac ânâ roll
What's a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing
I keep hearing music from the printer
I think the paper keeps jamming.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because he already had drum sticks!
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because he already had drum sticks!
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, itâs a wrap.
What did yoda say when he saw himself in 4k for the first time?
HDMI
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesnât even matter.
What is Beethovenâs favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop Music
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they were married?
Feyoncé.
What kind of music do bunnies like?
Hip Hop.
A thief was expelled from music school.
It was a bit unfair, all he was doing was taking notes.
what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean
Heavy rock
What's the best brand of computer for playing pop music?
A Dell
What is a mummy's favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastonaut.
Which is older: the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
How does an alien get a haircut?
Eclipse it.
Why haven't aliens come to our solar system yet?
They read the reviews: One star.
Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto.
Why didn't the sun go to college?
Because it already had a million degrees!
Why couldn't the astronaut book a room on the moon?
It was full!
Why did the Americans win the space race?
Because the soviets were Stalin.
How do you throw a space party?
You planet.
What do you call a tangled rope on International Space Station?
Astroknot
What kind of tea you can not have in Space ?
Gravity.
Why was the star arrested?
It was a shooting star.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past
That was classic Colognialism.
When my family went to France, I made sure we avoided the Eiffel tower because I was afraid it would suck our blood.
It is a Paris site.
I asked a French girl if she played videogames, and she said,
Wii!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they donât like fast food.
The cheese shop in Lyon was destroyed in the earthquake.
I know it because all I saw was da-brie.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren't cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece
What would you call the Eiffel Tower if it falls over?
The I Fell Tower!
What Athens in Greece
stays in Greece.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider Man?
Pita Parker
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...
has always been my Achillesâ elbow.
What is the favourite dessert of Greek chickens?
BAWK-lava
Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because theyâre good at espresso themselves.
How does the Italian plumber talk to spirits?
A Luigi board!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way.
What do you call an Italian with no arms?
Mute
What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?
Speech impediment.
What do you call sick pasta?
Mac n' sneeze!
Where does spaghetti go dancing?
The meatball!
With climate change coming, economists predict that Canada will soon be the most powerful country in the world.
And then you all will be sorry.
What is Canada's national board game?
Sorry
50% of Canada
Is the letter A
You Americans may have the right to bare arms,
but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.
In America we can bare arms
But in Canada they can arm bears.
A pizza got cheated on multiple times
Now it has crust issues.
My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.
It's just his daily poutine.
What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?
Top Bun.
Two hotdogs are walking down the street
One suddenly turns to the other and says, "Mike! Your wiener is showing"
Whats a hamburger on a motorcyle?
Fast food
What do you call cheese that is sad?
Blue cheese.
Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat
I went to a seafood restaurant and slipped.
I pulled a mussel.
What are hot dogs called in winter?
Chilly dogs
Why do hamburgers go to the gym?
To get better buns.
What did the grape say when he was squished?
He let out a little wine
How do you measure the weight of crackers?
In grahams
What vegetables do sailors hate?
Leeks
Why are mushrooms invited to parties?
Because they are such fungis
If at first you donât succeed,
skydiving is not for you!
What is the hardest thing about skateboarding?
Concrete.
I kept wondering why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?
He waits for it at the next stop.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!
Why canât Cinderella play soccer?
Because sheâs always running away from the ball.
How do baseball players stay cool?
They sit next to the fans.
Where does the majority of a hockey player's salary come from?
The tooth fairy.
What is the most depressing thing about tennis?
Youâll never be as good as a wall.
Why are basketball players such messy eaters?
Theyâre always dribbling.
How do baseball players keep in touch?
They touch base every once in a while.
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.
Why are soccer players excellent in Maths?
They know how to use their heads.
What's the easiest sport to get into?
Limbo. They don't set the bar very high.
There is only one sport in which I can get a high score.
Itâs golf
What is cardboardâs favorite sport?
Boxing.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing
What is the dwarfs favorite type of cake?
Shortcake
I identify as a chocolate bar
My pronouns are her/shey
What kind of chocolate does the dryer like?
Lindt Chocolate
Did you hear about the magician that had chocolate in his shirt?
He had some Twix up his sleeve
Why do ice creams tend to be bad at tennis?
Because they are always going for the soft serve.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was a cough-y (coffee) cake.
What is a jewellers favorite dessert?
Carat Cake.
What's cake's favourite song?
'Slice, Slice, Baby'.
How do you spell CANDY with only two letters?
C and Y.
How do you get Mexican food at the beach.
Just dig your feet into the sand, then you will have buriedtoes.
What is the best time to eat Mexican food?
Juan o'clock.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.
I should have cooked it on Aloha temperature.
How much does Chinese food weigh?
Wonton
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
What happens if life gives you melons?
Your dyslexic
What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A Chrysler
What's worse than finding a bomb under your car?
Not finding it.
Why did the frog take the bus to work?
His car had been toad.
What's the most important part of becoming a train?
The training.
What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke?
A Yamahaha
What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos
What kind of car does a snake drive?
An Ana-Honda.
Whatâs got four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
Heâs all right now.
I had a dream last night that I was a car muffler
I woke up exhausted.
Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul?
He wanted to bust a move.
What car did the successful sushi chef buy?
A Rolls-Rice.
What do you call it when only one finger steers your car?
A thumb drive.
What kind of car racing comes from Mexico?
Formula Juan
Did you hear about the train engineer from Mexico that was arrested for terrorism?
Authorities say he had loco motives.
What do you call an election ballot in Mexico?
pick-o-de-guy-o
What's the most popular arcade game in Mexico?
Guac - a - mole
What do you callthe top wealthiest people in Mexico?
The Juan percent.
Whos the richest man in Mexico?
Jeff Pesos
Why did I quit my job in Mexico?
It didn't peso well.
Why don't Americans eat snails?
Because they like fast food.
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
Why don't Americans use the metric system?
Because they have a foot fetish.
What's the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills.
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.