Computers have been a key part of my life for as long as I can think of. From writing fake computer viruses in VBScript when I was 7 years old, to writing GUI programs in Python before I reached Year 7, to working on meaningful open-source projects from submitting PRs to starting my own, to researching exploits for the lowest levels of embedded hardware, to constantly refining and redefining my theoretical groundings of code, to accidentally taking down government websites, and somehow remaining consistently obsessed with learning and doing as many things as possible with computers, programming, software, hardware, and everything in between – computing has been a significant part of my life from the beginning. It was the one thing I did where I could have true freedom – not like other activities like study, music or sport which were forced on me throughout childhood, but something that I could truly understand, hone my skills, and utilise to create virtually anything.

I discovered quite brutally in high school that my academic strength was actually in social sciences. My best subject in the HSC was Modern History. Maths and science was difficult, only slightly better than English (which to be honest, is anyone actually good at English?). So the fact that I consider programming a skill is something I view this as a testament to the dedication over the past decade. I was never naturally talented – the skills I have today were the product of many hours of self-learning – revision and application. And regardless of my perceived skill:time investment ratio in comparison to others, it was ultimately something I really enjoyed, and worked to build up from the ground up.

But it was also confining. Despite all the time I put into computing as a hobby, I never really derived any real value asides from immense satisfaction and maybe some usefulness from projects – no money, no resume dot points, no notable achievements. I started to prioritise it over things like socialising. Considering the fact that I recently discovered that solving code problems actually provides a hit of dopamine, I'd almost describe it as a drug.

When it came time to submit my UAC preferences, I decided to study business. I think this basically shocked like every single person who had ever known me since I was 7 – I vividly remember a scene in the university library when a friend shouted in shock when I told him I wasn't studying CS, which was totally not embarrassing at all. In part, I chose it because it aligned with my supposed academic strengths (even if they weren't my interests). But also in part, I chose it because I want to do something with my life that is meaningful in a different and perhaps more impactful way. I think I know where I want to end up, though I'm still figuring out how to get there. This decision reflected a huge shift in my life philosophy and the kinds of decisions I'll be making from here on out. And if it turns out I've actually changed my life for the worst? I can always just change my life again.

Fast forward to now. I'm at university, studying commerce. If you're on any group chat with me, you'll know how much I dislike and complain about this course from dumb essays to the nothing starting salary (and I do wish I took a gap year before instinctively going with the broadest most default-NPC option ever) but my gut feeling still tells me I would choose this course over CompSci or Engo, even if I had the chance to do-over again. I've joined the university wind orchestra, and I'd like to also spend more time this year focusing on writing my first anipiano arrangement (easier said than done), after I spent most of last year drilling into classical repetoire for a piano exam I would eventually fail. I'm learning Japanese as an elective, and I've taken up debating again, although I really really suck at it. And I've started learning kendo – a Japanese martial art – and so far it's been the highlight of this year.

Last year, I wanted to work on creating a full kernel and OS (potentially with bootloader) in what would be the ultimate culmination of over a decade of userspace programming & computing. It was going to be an indulgement into an area of computing I believe is both really cool and doesn't get enough attention – I still fundamentally believe this today. But, this hope has slowly faded into forgotten-land, and in truth, I have not programmed at all since the university semester began, asides from changing a one-line dependency call, commenting out a couple unit tests and recompiling/redeploying a Discord bot I've been passively running. I feel like I've experienced an identity crisis. I struggled to pull myself away from my lifelong hobby during the HSC when I decided to go cold turkey on programming, and now with so much time available, I've just chosen not to do it. Part of this has undoubtedly been subconscious in the exciting and dynamic environment of starting life at university. But part of this has been a conscious decision too. For the first time in 12 years, I've started to not only push my lifelong obsession away, but I've also started to regret it.

I have a few possible smaller projects lined up. Ludum Dare 53, at the time of writing, is occuring this coming weekend! And I'm also trying to make a product and start a business, which I'm hoping would incorporate technology somehow. But to be completely honest, I don't know if these projects will survive either, because I'm not sure that I will be doing more things related to technology and computers for the rest of my life. It's not that I've lost interest in computing, in fact quite the opposite – I still think the computer is the coolest invention ever made, and the last decade spent understanding it has not lessened my own awe and amazement at the fact that our species created it. So what is it then?

Part of it is simply that I don't have time. I'm in the orchestra, looking for a job, learning a martial art, participating in weekly debating competitions, trying to re-evaluate my career..... this all takes both time and energy. Part of it is that I have viewed my obsession as a waste of time. At times it felt like it didn't contribute anything of value, it's not like you can get any meaningful qualifications at a hobbyist level like you can with music, and it only seemed to draw time away from things I should have been doing – socialising, studying, touching grass. Part of it is that I don't fit in with the crowd anymore. I'm a business student, not a compsci student. Part of it is that I was never talented at it. STEM was difficult for me in school. And for someone with over a decade of learning, it feels like I'm on-par with those who have loosely studied for two. Part of this might be from imposter syndrome, but there is empirical data to show that this is the opposite career path for someone like me (just look at my careers recommendation profile). There is no one reason for this change in my outlook. I'm not even sure there is a reason.

But despite all this, I'm doing ok. Uni is going pretty well. I'm doing new things and sharing in new experiences, and have started to meet new people (and get to know them really well). Change is scary. But change is okay.

Maybe this change is okay.